I recently had a parent ask for advice on how to help their son who was negative about everything. Even at the end of a great day out, he seemed to just focus on the negatives.
I'll share here the advice I gave to that mum.
This isn't a quick fix but there are some things you can do to help.
Anxious brains try to look out for everything that could go wrong.
To the survival part of the brain, positive experiences are nice but they're not going to stop you from being eaten by a bear or hit by a car. The brain doesn't focus on the positive anywhere near as much as the negatives and some people get stuck watching out for negatives as a coping strategy, especially if they're quite anxious anyway.
His brain needs retraining to note the good things, one tiny little good thing at a time.
Make it fun
Thinking about things you are grateful for is a good way to build up a more positive mindset.
One thing you could do is make a game of it - you could use memory games to think of things to be grateful for:
You: I am grateful for family
William: I am grateful for family and friends
You: I am grateful for family, friends and pizza...etc
You could buy a beach ball and write on it prompts such as:
something good is...
Happiness is..
I am grateful for
I like...
I am...
Then throw it to each other. The person that catches it has to read the phrase closest to their hand and finish it.
Include the whole family
Children learn more from their parents than anyone else, so role modelling the behaviours and ways of speaking you want to see from your child is very powerful, and makes them feel less singled out.
Make sure to be a good role model - say things like "Do you know, I dropped a cup today and I was really annoyed at myself but I decided not to ruin all my day!" Don't necessarily do this as a lecture but just bring it up in conversation.
Some families create a daily routine when they talk about things such as you all say:
1 thing that was difficult that day
1 thing that went well
1 thing you hope for tomorrow
Some parents refer to these as the thorn (something difficult), the flower (something good) and the bud (a hope)
Share positive experiences with your child- encourage him to help you bake cakes, build something out of lego together etc.
Challenge him to notice one good thing that has happened each day. Get the whole family involved so you all have to do it. Then slowly build up - once he is comfortable noticing one, then try two. Or have a competition to see how many positive you can notice in a week and have a prize.
Praise and Self Affirmations
Make sure you praise him specifically for effort, hard work, using positive strategies etc. Point out positive characteristics you see -"I really like the way you put your plate away - you are so helpful"
Create an Amazing Me journal or poster where you and he add on anything that has gone well or he has achieved.
You may need to have a chat to them about the difference between bragging and just knowing what your own positive attributes are. Many children don't like to say anything good about themselves as they feel it is 'big-headed' but they need to understand that knowing your own positive qualities is really healthy.
When it comes to positive attributes and saying affirmations, such as I am Helpful, then it's good to be able to say times when you showed that attribute in the past: I was helpful when I unpacked the dishwasher. That way they have proof that they have shown this attribute in the past, which means that they are more likely to believe the affirmation.
And if you are also quite negative - make sure you do these things yourself!
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